We have our first official eliminations from playoff contention of the season. Honestly, we knew these teams weren't going to make the playoffs and there are a couple more teams who mathematically are not eliminated but in spirit they are (looking at you Brooklyn & Cleveland). In the spirit of the holidays we're going full grinch mode on behalf of those two teams who I should mention are the Vegas Knight Hawks and the Miami Inferno.
Taylor Swift once said "Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine". Well buckle up, Tucson -- Dave & Richard are getting ready to hurl proverbial rocks. When you really think about it, it's sort of sad to be number one in the league. Think of all the aggregate time you've spent on fantasy football. Not just this year -- no, being this good is the result of years of film study, spreadsheet tinkering, and game theory analysis. That's time you could have been outside doing any of the following things:
That all sounds mega boring but probably what Dave & Richard have been doing all season.
Cedar Rapids
Milwaukee
Tucson
Philadelphia
Chicago
Cleveland
Northern Arizona
Vegas
Boston
Miami
Los Angeles
Brooklyn
It wasn't easy to watch Northern Arizona and Vegas this week - but at least it was funny for everyone else. Not unlike the Unc Race below that left only one collective hamstring intact. Reminder to start stretching NOW for any nonsense you might try during Thanksgiving week.
Enough negativity in this newsletter. I would like to commend the Tucson Sugar Skulls for improving their fantasy performance and thus, themselves, the most from last week. Not to mention the 255.70 points they hung on the Philadelphia Soul is now the record for most points scored in a game in GLFL history and the 103.55-point win is good for 7th largest margin of victory. You and Alijah Clark have a lot in common. You might get knocked on your butt three times. But guess what? You got up three* times too. And then made a damn play on the ball. Admirable effort and determination. GM Mason Bautch is gonna go far in life with this attitude.
*You know those inspirational Instagram posts where they're like "When life knocks you down two times, get up three". That makes no sense. How are you getting up more times than you're knocked down? Unless you're starting to count the "get ups" from before the times that you were getting knocked down. Or get-ups from that weren't the result of a knock-down. Which doesn't really seem like the spirit of what they're talking about. I suppose I did get up probably 20 times yesterday but was knocked down zero.
| Rank | Team | Wins | Losses | Points For |
|---|
We have entered the fifth week of my Mario Party Algorithm predictions. For those of you that are new to the newsletter, I like to predict who will win the league every week as the playoffs draw nearer. Is it based on anything scientific? Sort of. I use the same algorithm that Toad uses in Mario Party to predict their winner. And will I continue to pick winners as the season goes on? Of course. That increases my chances of correctly predicting the winner. Do I factor in whether you're still mathematically in the playoffs? No, I don't!
The winner of the GLFL will be...
Each week we track Lucky and Unlucky outcomes — because nothing brings a league together like complaining. A lucky win means you scored in the bottom half of the league but still walked away smiling. An unlucky loss means you scored in the top half and still got punched in the mouth by the schedule. In short: if you’re calling yourself “unlucky” but didn’t make this list… relax, you’re not special.
With the Survivor Simulator officially wrapped up, it’s time to debut a brand-new weekly feature: Parallel Universe Standings. Ever wondered how your season would look if you had someone else’s schedule? This grid lays it all out — every team, every alternate timeline, every “what if” scenario. And best of all, it’s finally your chance to talk your shit. If your rival padded their record against a cupcake slate while you ran the gauntlet, this tool will expose it instantly. Check it out and see who’s truly elite...and who’s living a lie.
| Team | MKE | PHI | CHI | LV | BOS | NAZ | CLE | CR | BKN | TUC | LA | MIA |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
7-5 |
6-6 | 7-5 | 5-7 | 7-5 | 7-5 | 7-5 | 6-6 | 6-5-1 | 7-5 | 6-6 | 7-5 |
|
7-5 | 6-6 |
7-5 | 7-5 | 7-5 | 8-4 | 6-6 | 6-6 | 6-6 | 7-5 | 7-5 | 7-5 |
|
5-7 | 2-9-1 | 6-6 |
6-6 | 4-8 | 7-5 | 6-6 | 6-6 | 4-8 | 7-5 | 7-5 | 5-7 |
|
3-9 | 5-7 | 5-7 | 3-9 |
3-9 | 2-10 | 4-8 | 3-9 | 3-9 | 3-9 | 3-9 | 4-8 |
|
5-7 | 7-5 | 9-3 | 6-6 | 7-5 |
6-6 | 6-6 | 6-6 | 8-4 | 9-3 | 9-3 | 9-3 |
|
4-8 | 6-6 | 6-6 | 8-4 | 7-5 | 5-7 |
5-7 | 6-6 | 7-5 | 6-6 | 7-5 | 8-4 |
|
5-7 | 5-7 | 5-7 | 6-6 | 5-7 | 5-7 | 4-8 |
4-8 | 5-7 | 6-6 | 5-7 | 5-7 |
|
6-6 | 6-6 | 8-4 | 5-7 | 8-4 | 7-5 | 7-5 | 7-5 |
4-8 | 7-5 | 6-6 | 8-4 |
|
5-7 | 4-8 | 7-5 | 6-6 | 3-9 | 6-6 | 4-8 | 5-7 | 4-8 |
4-8 | 6-6 | 4-8 |
|
7-5 | 8-4 | 7-5 | 8-4 | 7-5 | 7-5 | 8-4 | 7-4-1 | 9-3 | 11-1 |
8-4 | 8-4 |
|
7-5 | 7-5 | 7-5 | 9-3 | 7-5 | 10-2 | 9-3 | 10-2 | 7-5 | 10-2 | 9-3 |
8-3-1 |
|
1-11 | 4-8 | 4-8 | 3-6 | 4-8 | 3-9 | 5-7 | 2-10 | 4-8 | 5-7 | 5-7 | 3-9 |
I hope everyone enjoyed the week 12 recap! I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving. It's a great opportunity to get together with the people that mean the most to you in life and remind them that Caleb Williams can throw absolute missiles. Please get in touch with Dave & Richard if you'd like to join the Fantasy Football Losers That Only Lost Because They Are Actually Secret Intellectuals Book Club.